This blog post is a continuation, and in a sense to bring closure to my previous post, The Love That You Withhold Is The Pain You Carry. My intention isn't so much to go deep into telling people how to deal with death and dying. I do have a favorite resources that I reference, and in my opinion it does such a good job that I don't want to re-hash any of it here. This is more of a flow of thoughts coming from my previous article for closure, along with a general commentary on how death and dying is handled in western culture and society.
The topic of death and dying is a challenging one to approach in a way that makes people feel comfortable. There are so many emotions that are very hard to process, and they're not consistently the same for each individual. If we're trying to be there for someone when they are going through the process of dealing with death there's lots of things to consider. Who died? Was it a family member? Was their relationship with the person close, or distant? Are they losing a loved one, or someone that they may have resented (which brings along an entirely different set of complicated emotional baggage)? Do they or the people they lost have pre-existing views on death that are influenced by religion or some other beliefs? Seeking answers to these questions can help us prepare for our own experiences and to be there for other people in their time of need.
In my current situation, my partner and I went through the process of dealing with the death of one of her cats. His name was Dr Gonzo. He was a lovable fluffy "little-big guy" built like a bulldog - a bit paradoxical it may seem, but that made him all that much more special. In my last blog post I detailed some of the thoughts and feelings I went through as we discovered his terminal condition. I'm going to review that in light of some of the above questions then move onto a more general commentary on death and dying in regards to how I see different religions and cultures handling it.
Dr Gonzo's life affected me a lot more than I had realized. And, as many of us that deal with death come to understand, sometimes we don't recognize all the ways that we are touched by the beings in our life until an extreme circumstance like this arises. At first, when we found out that Dr Gonzo had cancer, I had my flashback to the phrase "the love that you withhold is the pain that you carry" and how much weight that statement really carried. The immediacy of that popping back into my head helped me understand how to proceed with the time that we had left together. And, it was incredibly helpful. While at first I felt a lot of very difficult emotions, I was able to transmute that energy into love, compassion, and appreciation for all of the time that we had together previously and remaining. When I would start to feel sad, and other emotions which normally are correlated with suffering, I would be reminded to open my heart and share that with him in whatever ways I could. We made a lot of accommodations, and while I would still feel "sad" the suffering aspect was being relieved to a large extent, and I felt gratitude that I still had the opportunity to do little things to make the time we had left together as special and peaceful as possible.
For my partner it was a whole lot more challenging. She was Dr Gonzo's mother. This was a member of her family for over a decade. As other people came and went in her life, Dr Gonzo was there. And, unlike dealing with people, Dr Gonzo was always giving his love unconditionally, and open to receiving love without any judgment or other complicated feelings. My partner was losing that companionship. Once I had gone through my initial shock and had my triggering moment to remember that the love I withhold is the pain that I carry, I knew that I not only had to be there for Dr Gonzo but for my partner as well.
The context of our situation was that this was not a person, but absolutely a family member, and essentially a child. One of the most challenging experiences can be when the death is someone that you raised and cared for, whether that's a human child or your pet. So, although we could say that any 'standard protocol' for helping someone deal with death and dying would be to just be there for them, and listen and support them in the ways they are most receptive; this context was one where it's a really important time to show up when you can be of assistance.
As I was contemplating how I could help and taking inventory of all of the tools that I had and used to help process challenging emotions, I realized how deplete what I consider our 'cultural standard' to be when it comes to dealing with death and dying. This may just have been a result of my upbringing or where I was raised, but it does seem as though western society, culture and religions have done a very poor job of helping people understand and cope with these subjects. Which is pretty wild considering, well, everyone dies!
The first thing that came to mind for me was a book that I've read which I highly recommend, The Tibetan Book of Living And Dying. Unfortunately, I couldn't find my copy - probably one of those situations where you let someone borrow a book and completely forget about it. Either way, I was happy to just go get another copy; hopefully whoever I gave my other copy to had passed it along to another person that needed it. So I went to the bookstore to grab a new copy and as I was looking for it came across the "Pet" section with one book staring me in the face titled The Grief Recovery Handbook for Pet Loss. Not to digress, but I bought that book too - I just wanted to throw that in here because when little synchronicities like that come into my life I take it as a sign that I'm on the right track ;)
This book is something that I would suggest as a should-read for everyone. It provides an excellent overview of some of the philosophies of Tibetan Buddhism, how to be there for the dying (which also applies to people dealing with the repercussions of those close to them dying) as well as some spiritual practices for the moment of death. This isn't just a book that I'd suggest for people that are starting to deal with these types of topics, it's something I'd suggest for everyone to read in advance of anything like this. We're all going to face these types of situations at one time or another, and the more prepared we can be the easier it will be on us, and the more we can be there for other people that could use the assistance.
Emotional intelligence was the main factor that helped me cope with death and dying. Tibetan Buddhism and some of its practices are what most helped me develop a strong baseline of emotional intelligence. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying can be a great introduction to this type of Buddhism which can open the door to that for many people; but either way its focus makes it an excellent resource regardless of one's interest or understanding of these philosophies. Often when it comes to death there are a flood of emotions coming so fast that without being able to observe one's emotions, it can be easy to "drown" in them, so to speak. Not only that, but the triggers can come out of nowhere since any simple sensory experience can remind us of the loved one that we lost. The emotional intelligence I've gained from these practices, with the specific guidance of that book, has helped me process the situations and emotions on my own as well as help other people process theirs.
My experience with learning about eastern religions and philosophies have taught me much more about how to understand and process my own emotions compared to western religions, and this book is a testament to that. When I was young I attended a protestant church but at an early age decided to stop going when I was given the option. So, while my experience with Christianity and the Christian Bible is limited compared to my understanding of eastern philosophies, I do think my upbringing was a pretty 'standard' one and that a lot of people may be in similar shoes as me; so part of why I am sharing this is because if there are other people in similar circumstances, maybe this information can help them.
I do want to give credit where credit is due when it comes to western society and religions. When I refer to their lacking in helping people develop emotional intelligence and deal with death and dying, I am speaking of the very 'public' and 'superficial' presentation given by most churches of the day. My personal experience is that western religions suffer from the truly valuable teachings having been obfuscated over time. I don't think the people interested in them are as easily able to access deep spiritual information compared to eastern schools of thought and philosophies. Christian and Jewish teachings have been "encrypted" enough so information is there it's just not readily available except for those with the eyes to see and the ears to hear. There are plenty of Christian and Jewish mystics, along with people who are grounded in Gnostic teachings who would be able to elucidate some of this information much better than I can. So, I don't want to "throw them under the bus" because there are teachings and information to help people when it comes to death and dying. But I just don't think it's as easily digestible as what I've seen coming from eastern philosophies, so I think overall it's a better suggestion to point people to the eastern teachings when it comes to this stuff. Examples like this are actually why, although Unity of Divine Creation Ministry is a Christian Church, we welcome people of all faiths, and encourage everyone to establish their personal connection to God in whatever way works best for them.
So, there are things we can do to prepare us for the challenging moments associated with death and dying. While my experience with information from western schools of thought leads me to believe they're severely lacking in providing easy access to the tools people can benefit from for handling these circumstances, they are certainly there to the more intense spiritual seeker. I'd point people to eastern religions and philosophies that help people understand and process emotions so they can gain the emotional intelligence that is at the core of passing through these experiences with minimal suffering. Preparing this way not only makes it easier for us to handle these circumstances, but it makes us more available to be there for other people that are going through this process. It's the support of people around us that can really help us know that although experiences with death and dying may be very challenging, everything is going to be okay. We are still loved, and we can openly process our emotions - whatever they may be - in regards to the loss we are experiencing.
If you agree or disagree, or generally have any thoughts to share on the subject please do make a comment on the topic created in the community forum for this blog post. I'd love to hear some input from people who find value in the teachings of western religions in regards to this topic. And generally speaking, the more discussion we have around this topic the more we can potentially offer to people either going through this themselves or who have a loved one going through it.